I HATE FIGHTS!!! It brings out the worst in me!! :(

For a moment when you win the argument, the exhilaration is fantastic! It feels as if you have won a war. watching the other person frown in defeat or either hang their head and walk away is the best feeling! But what after that? When you are done gloating and laughing about it? when you are in you bed at night, and the sad face of your friends comes in you mind? how does it feel then?

I feel horrible! Like my insides are on fire, the tears that come to my own eyes are proof of the incredible guilt I feel and I just have to rush to that person and let them abuse me till they are content! Is that a stupid thing? I don't know how do I do it? But when those words come rushing out, I have the ability to hurt and strike the nail right on the head......which is terrible! Nowadays when I am angry I just go...blank! Nothing comes in my mind...instead of coherence my mind is cluttered with various feelings!!

When anger comes rushing in, how is one to stop it? I am much better now! At least I can smile and let it bounce of when people say things to me, or either mock me when they think i don't get it! But there are moments when there are words on the tip of my tongue....and just a nudge is enough for me to explode. I dread that vile feeling.

Anger is a bad thing.............I had to manage it once, it turns people into a monster, their own monster, a side that they try so hard to cover up! This anger then leads to small and petty fights, which then grows into something bigger and then gets infested and begins to decay...........leaving it ugly!! I hate it!

I was just remembering an equally ugly fight I had a few years ago with a friend. How I was quivering with anger listening to her accusations, and there were so many things in my mind that I wanted to tell her..but I didn't....I just kept it buried deep within me that one day, out of nowhere, I just exploded......God!!! It was awful!! Watching her eyes tear up.........it was horrible! I could not think straight for the next week. It never mended.........our ego's were blocking the way.

So guys.....I obviously cant ask you not to fight.....but....at least we can try to reduce the venom....and the most important thing, come back...come back after the fight is done and over, because it does not matter how long and hard you fight, but how fast can you forgive and be together and happy again.

I have tried......and in the process let people walk over me at times, but I don't mind.....as long as that horrible bubbling guilt stays away from me!

peace!!

WHEN I THOUGHT FRACTURES WERE DA BOMB....................and got carried away!!!

Broken arms( 3 times),
broken legs( 2 times),
broken collarbone( 2 times),
broken  fingers( 2 times),
AND
broken ankles( 2 times).
equals to.........................
ELEVEN FRIGGIN FRACTURES!!!!!!!!!! And the best part is, 9 of them were even before I was 12 years old!! I know...you are probably thinking....."aww....poor Marina!" BUT it was the simply awesome!!

I was probably the only kid around who would come into unusual high spirits about a broken limb and walk around with a grin on my face!! That was because they did not see the bright side of a cast like good ol me! People around  me were at my beck and call.......... it was my hall pass to absolute heaven. The sympathy, the treats, also the 'no-homework' was ultimate!! The sight of an impy lil' kid with a huge cast was a enough to melt anyone. Sigh! Good times!!

It went on for quite some time..........till the tables turned. Suddenly I was missing class picnics, could not get out out of the house, sports day was a no-show, I missed my friends birthday parties......the gorgeous cakes I missed...sob....it was pure horror!  Then, the itching got terrible and my mum would yell at me for rubbing my arm against the wall like some elephant and getting the paint off!!! And the worst...............one fracture completely deformed my arm...till this day it looks so scary if I stick it out.....how I dreaded taking the pledge in school!!!!! From then on, I thought it was about time I get a grip on my crazy fate!!

And i did.....till the 12th grade....where I broke both my pinkie fingers while playing basket ball......the only consolation was that the doctor was cute!!!! but since then......touch wood...I have kept my word...no fractures..yet!! Plenty of cuts, sprains, falls, but no fracture!!

Everyone should have at least one fracture before they get old(coz then it's not so much fun as I have described!)..its an awesome experience. when the hand is being put in the cast....the fun signing sessions, and the best...when they cut the cast...its so freaky!! Like they are gonna cut right through your arm..and when you see your arm....it looks like a shriveled stick! Errr........it sounds gross and scary BUT trust me...its super fun!!!!!

What I am trying to say here is, don't freak out when you break something...its normal and gives you license to be pampered like a princess, plus all the attention you get is fantastic!!!

So go ahead....break a leg.........literally!!!!

peace!!

WHERE ARE YOU?

I am waiting here, I have been waiting for a long time.....

looking out of my window.......just for a glance of you.

But  I am losing hope now,

waiting is a hard thing to do.

But maybe you are right in front of me.

maybe it is me who is blind,

maybe I don't want to see you.

But then why am I still waiting here? alone?

You should know that you are the most frightening thing to me,

and that is why I have always been running away from you.

These walls around me are my own, I made them to keep you away......

but also so that you can break them down and reach out to me.

Why does everyone make falling in love sound so easy?

when it is the toughest thing in the world.

Moreover, you are not someone whom I would melt to right away...I think,

even though I would love to.

I don't want to stand here waiting forever,

I want to run right into your arms.

But so help me if I am holding myself back with everything I have got,

will this change after I see you?

Until then, I am here, fighting myself every minute,

going crazy with fear..........and hope.

Just so that one day, this wait will be over,

and I finally will be in love with you....forever......

peace!!

Are "Real" Friends Utopian Already?????

"Sometimes its not easy to be good." 

I came to know of a very disturbing thing recently dear readers,.......some people think that true friends don't exist anymore. When someone would say, "what has become of this world?" I would scoff at them.But now...those words are swilling in my mouth!

All my life, wherever I have been posted so far, I have made friends...good friends..just friends....on and off friends...and they have been the Woodstock to my happiness, my reason to look forward to each new day. Even now, I have so many friends in college and I feel happy and sated in their midst!! But when I look around, I see a mockery of friendship....there are rare bonds where friends are true to each other, and that is just....sad.

A true friend is someone who is your twin soul, who does not need to ask you if you need help. They are the ones who will think that you are their evrything, and they will follow you to the ends of the world! You can stay without talking them for days, but when you speak to them, you don't feel the time gap! A true friend! Many of you think that all the aforementioned qualities are 'ideal'........really? are they? But wait a minute....have you ever been such a friend to anyone? Then how can you call them ideal when you have not even tried to be someone like that???

You may laugh at me, call me a liar, or say I am bullshitting.....but I have such a person in my life. Call me lucky, blessed..whatever...but I do. and I realized that as soon as I got separated from her. I met Nivi in the 8th grade and got transferred right in the next year. We became fast friends. But after I left and when we wrote to each other, we realized that we were more than mere friends.......it was pure sisterly love....a relation where we were so close that even though we were apart, it did not matter. It is then I realized that what a friend I have...she made me believe what I am trying to tell you people.

Till date we have not fought, not argued, never lied and I believe have never even had the slightest trace of jealously, anger or anything of that sort. There never was the need to. She has the power to calm me when I feel I will explode, to console me when there is no one for me, to simply make me a better person. It has been 9 years and we re stronger than ever.

Still cant believe me??? WHY???? why? why? why??????? What has happened to you? Did a bad experience with a friend shatter you belief? come on!! If that was the case I should have jumped off a cliff by now!

I have been hurt by some real close friends, been left helpless and defenseless when I needed them.....ridiculed by them....you think I was made of rock? I cried to sleep thinking about that! But instead of making me a bitter person, it brought out the best in me. It made me swear that never, ever in my life will I ever do that to a friend....because no friend deserves that.

It is not a contract where you have certain expectations from each other. it is how much you can give....how much can you do for them...how much can you be there for them...how much can you fight for them. Have you evr fought for a friend? It is the toughest thing to do. It is all about you, and what you can do for them.

Now you might argue with me that it is plain human to have doubts or at times lie or feel jealous about a friend. listen to yourself....why would you feel all that in the first place if that person is your twin soul?? And even if you do feel like that...it is okay...as long as you come back to him/her at the end of the day......not keep that niggling feeling buried down in your heart. Forgiving, forgetting and moving on are the cardinal rules in friendship.

But what many people have argued with me is about when a friend gives us grief...when they hurt us...what are we to do...stand by them even then???? People, let them go.....I have done that...and trust me, it hurts like hell, because watching someone who was a part of your life suddenly not wanting to be with you anymore....is painful. But it is the best thing you can do for them. It does not have to turn ugly. 

Look, you may call me a fool for my beliefs....thinking that they cannot happen in real life......but all I have to say is,.....as you sow. so you shall reap! It is not possible that you are the best Friend to someone and they treat you like scum...because goodness is a rare thing, and is recognized when seen.

So believe....believe in the power of  a true friend....it is okay if you don't have one, but that should not stop you from being someone's.

peace!!

Whoever said Indian women are a gentle, meek species.......what were you thinking???

Before I write anything, I want my readers to know that right now I have a crushed toe, an almost broken rib and arms that might just fall of my sockets. No no, a herd of elephants didn't run over me, ha! I wish they had, all I did was travel in a crowded ladies compartment on my way to college. Please lift your jaws from the floor.

I believe my readers are familiar with the Mumbai local trains. As innocuous as they might sound, they are the most lethal and dangerous places to be. Can't believe me? I know, I mean what can possibly happen in a train where you travel for an hour max? right? Lemme tell you, my sweet, innocent and naive little bunny tails.

People get cut, pushed of the train, verbally abused and in some cases we have hair pulled out. And the most fantastic part is that, most of this happens in the ladies compartment. Amazing right? Lemme tell you what happens when a train stops at a stop. Women don't just climb in, oh no! They charge in with every ounce of pent up strength and anger they have from their frustrated mornings. You don't hear the gentle chitter chatter of dulcet tones, but high decibel screeches of, "jyam aila! halkat!"..... "move you bitch! MOVE!".............."areeee aage jao naaaa..........." I truly am blessed to hear such beautiful words as I start my day.

And it does not end here, elbows and knees come immediately into action. All to move a just a fraction. and some of us who get plastered against the railings have all our delicate parts assaulted by our dear ladies. And you cant even say anything, half the wind is knocked out of you and you are squashed into a sandwich, then even 'big' girls like me have to think twice before opening out mouths. It sure is a wonder to see the female brain devising various plans trying to get a seat or just to lean on a railing. 

A few moths ago, around 9:30 am, on my way to college in the usual overcrowded state I felt something sharp on my knees(i was wearing a skirt), but I did not bother since getting kicked in the shins is considered pretty normal in a train. When I reached class my friends eyes fell out as she saw my knees. they were covered in blood, apparently they got slashed when some woman must have tried to force her handbag(I hate those things! One of these days I am gonna write about those horrid contraptions) as she tried to get in and my knees must have made contact with some metal crap design!! It was horrible!

At times you cant even get out on your stop, the force of the people who enter is overwhelming and then again, when you do get of, you have to risk your life and try to jump of before the train stops...or else you will die anyway in the mulling multitude of crazy women waiting to pounce into the coach. But I prefer falling on cement than being clawed, any day. 

Whereas in the men's compartment, the crowd is swollen double, but they never throw a man out with such vehemence, in fact they try to accommodate as many as they can, and if they feel it is getting over crowded and there will the genuine danger to the guy, very politely they tell him not to get in, and that is exactly what he does! Unlike women, who will find a quarter of an inch to stick their dainty feet and then ram their knee up some poor unfortunate soul's ass as they try to push and dig as if trying to go all the way to china!! An accidental nudge turns into the cause for an argument! You feel so helpless!

It has been 6 months since I have been traveling, and I have got to say, it makes you tough. Suddenly you don't feel pain anymore, large number of people don't matter and you also become extremely thick skinned, i.e, any number of abuses hurled at you makes absolutely no difference!!

I know, the way I am making it sound is like I go to war everyday, but this is what happens. Then again, its an experience, but I have also met women who are so sweet that they take one look at your haggard and worn face and give you their precious seat. You almost cry in rare moments like that.

My respect for women has increased by ten folds, and so should yours...if you value your life! Don't let that sabji basket and demure saree fool you!!

peace!

WHERE IS THE REAL YOU???...............................Think, think hard.

You are such a faker, and you know that,

all that......"oh! I am not into all this", is such a give away.

But why are you like this?

let me try to figure this out.

You wanted to look like her, but could not,

so out came the "made up" face.

You always wanted to prove that you could be tough,

hence the forced abusing.

There was this girl you adored, 

but she liked your tall and sexy friend,

oh! the rage you felt! So you slummed out in the gym.

She would glance at you once, but that was it.

Sometimes when your aunt commented on your pathetic manners,

you tried your level best not to spread your legs apart and sit,

and try to say 'please' and 'oh! that's not a problem', endless times.

How many times have you forced yourself to have that awful drink, 

you don't even know when did you start drinking that.

All to show that you are different, but I hope you realize that in the end you were just like them.

Can you forget the way you cried when you puked the whole night?

You always hated the way your hair looked,

straightening, conditioning, the works......

You dont look like who you were,

do you still like it?

You love listening to hindi music.

You want that girl to not give up on you.

You hate those people who treat you like scum.

How you yearn to say out loud that you still love Aqua!

Why would you want to change for someone who has been with you for 5 minutes?
or think that who you really are is not good enough!
There were some people out there, if you remember who watched silently as you changed,
do you remember them? do they even matter anymore?

You're such a big faker, I can see it so well now. 

But it scares me that you can't see yourself anymore.

I know that I have lost you my friend......

but I haven't given up on you.

peace!

I AM A MALAYALI...........DEAL WITH IT!!!!

Now!!! This is coming from a  conversation I had with a certain someone who thinks that all Malayalis on this planet should be exterminated!! Weellll...................obviously...I had to do something...soooo here I am, back to you lovely people!!!

And let me get one thing straight, its not mallu or mall or malli, its Ma-la-ya-li, learn to say that first!

We are a simple race, known for our big eyes and lustrous black hair, atrocious accented english(in some cases) and breeding abilities. I mean, name one corner on this big planet that we have not rooted ourselves, be it the US, UK....Australia...and the Gulf?? Dude! Its mini Kerala out there! Our banana chips are practically a cult AND everyone dies to get a taste of our meen curry!! And ladies, your John Abraham is half Malayali. ;)

I have been practically all over the country(folks are in the army) and have never seen any place yet being untouched by the malayali culture. My mother is usually plagued with offers to get the Kasavu saree, I am stalked for chips and the non-Malayalis are more enthusiastic about Onam. So there....what more can I say? we rock!!

Yes, of course, I wont be so mahaan  and say we are almighty...we have our flaws.....here are some real irritating ones according to my sources. (so journalistic eh? :D)

First. Nosy. A typical Malayali will WANT to know whats going on, and WILL find out what's going on, and the way he goes about doing that is the problem. He may forget that in the process he is either making a fool out of himself or irritating the hell out of the other person.

Second. Loud. There is this tradition in some parts of Kerala where a new born baby is fed liquid gold diluted with water for a few weeks to make its voice more sonorous and clear(my mum unknowingly gave me an overdose for a month!). So, there. But I do agree, it is annoying. I, have the decibel of a bullhorn myself and have been told off by loads by my friends to bring down my pitch from the rafters. We do sing pretty well though, make good sopranos!!! XDXD

Now, this one I don't know what to say. Irritating. Really? I know that we are extremely loyal friends and fiercely protective about whom we care. Maybe that is irritating to some lame asses. Sorry, but come on, you have issues with someone for being close to you? Get a life!

And what is the problem if we like to be with our own kind and jabber in Malayalam? Grow up! Its something chemical that we have no control over. We might not speak in Malayalam with our parents back home, but the pleasure of speaking(even broken) Malayalam to a friend is something you have no idea of! Why should it irritate you if we speak in our mother tongue? We can always teach you if you want! (but watching u guys go ape trying to decipher what the hell we are saying is ambrosia!)  So people, back off! And speak in frigging Swahili to spite us, I don't care, but don't tell us to shut up! Coz we wont. and hey!! You learn so many popular abuses from these conversations of ours man, thendi, patti(most popular), poda patti, naayi, chette.....plenty more where that comes from.

We work hard to get what we want and even though we don't get it easily, we get it. And if some people think that is being selfish...go take a hike!  A Malayali friend is a treasure, we go out of our way to ensure that our friends are happy and safe, and we never switch loyalties...I know... it sounds like I am describing a dog but its true! We believe in whatever you say, that does not mean gullible, but our trust in you. And our sense of humor... name one Malayali who has not kept you in splits till your stomach hurts. We can make the whole room go crazy in an instant. It's a gift and we are naturals at that!!!!!!!!!!

Soooooooo.............have I tweaked your brains even a tiny bit? I hope I have. Even though I go to my hometown just once a year, that too, for a couple of weeks and my accent is not Malayali enough, and I cant stand coconut oil in my food or hair, I am and always will be a proud Malayali forever!!!! :)


peace!!

MY OWN PERSONAL 'LIL DEVIL.................ALSO MY BUNDLE OF JOY!!

When Aleseo Paulose was born on 3rd May 1996, and dad told me that I have a little brother, the first thing that slipped out of my 6 year old lips was, "can't we exchange him?", I was terrified!! a boy! even though he was newborn, A BOY!!! (I guess male phobia started at quite an early age for me), but yes, I was a bundle of nerves that after when dad was bringing him home that afternoon.

When I saw him for the first time from the top of the stairs, all I saw was a loaf of bread! Where was the baby? when I went down...I saw my lil brothers face for the first time. Tiny, teeeeney tiny...pink, and a squashed face. I recall cocking my head side to side like a bird to figure out which way he looked the the best.

"You wanna hold him?" Mum asked.

"No." 

"It's allright da, you will like him."

"No way."

And I sprinted to my room and banged it shut almost unhinging it!!

I know, crazy right? Who would not want to hold their little brother? ME! It was so scary, he was like a fragile piece of china that I was perpetually scared to touch. This state lasted for at least a week. one afternoon I tiptoed slowly to his little bed, I orbited around him for at least half an hour when I decided to enter the dragon's mouth. 

He was gurgling and there was drool all over his bib and his mouth...oohkayyy..his features had become quite clear now and those cherubic cheeks were just begging to be pulled, BUT, I got a grip on my self! With an almighty groan I leaned over him and looked straight into his eyes. He let out a long, high pitched scream of laughter at a decibel that only bats could hear, some weird blubbering sounds followed by incomprehensible words...and then....... he waved at me with those chubby fists...

Magic. I can't think of any other word...what I felt was so strong and powerful, this...this wave of protectiveness engulfed me. He was mine, and mine alone, MY little brother. And from that moment on my parents had to beg me to put him down and stop snapping at people when they asked to hold him! Sometimes I used to pinch and prod him...just to see how he would react...come on!!! I was a curious kid hehehehe......

We have come a long way since then, he is a strapping 15 year old boy now, engrossed in his dreams of making it to the Indian cricket team, but I still see him as the little baby with chocolate brown eyes, the most heavenly cheeks and a face that could make the angels jealous. Of course, it never was clean, I mean the mini wars that we would have....still do...sometimes would make me wonder if we really did love each other....but we do.

Once, when he was 5 years old, we were crossing the road and because of my mistake he almost came under a truck, I went into Post Traumatic Stress after that incident, I can never forget the look on his face as the truck screeched to halt just inches away from him. I felt so guilty and helpless, my heart was in my mouth and I could not stop sobbing. Till this day, whenever I cross the road, I ensure that I hold the hand of the person crossing with me...whether they like it or not.

There are moments when you don't need to say things to each other, but are understood anyway. Now, both of us are engrossed in our lives, hardly have time for each other, squabble, make cruel jibes at each other...say things that hurt....cry, but we have also grown more strong than ever!

Just a few days ago it was my birthday, and you should have seen him...poor guy! He was trying so hard to give me a 'surprise' and completely forgot that the cake was lying open in the kitchen, and when he found out, he locked himself in his room. After a lot of coaxing he agreed to come out, but he was back to normal and started decorating the cake(almost destroyed it in the process) and was bouncing around like a jerboa! tell me?  do I need any other proof that he is awesome??

I love him! Always will! My chottu chuha!! And being his big sis has taught me so much and made me a better person. Big sisters with little brothers all over the world are the luckiest, because when they are kids you are their fierce and gentle protector, but when they grow up, they give you back all the love and care in abundance(you should see his face when some guy tries to get fresh with me......a frikkin hulk!!).

Can't wait to spend the rest my life with him by my side. It sure is going to be an interesting ride..........bursting with love!!!

peace!!

AH! SUNDAY!!!!............................U MEAN AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH SUNDAY??

I miss Sundays! I really do! God knows when was the last time I had one!

You are probably thinking what am I saying, after all this is a Sunday, but what I AM talking about is a real Sunday, when where you wake up, the only thought in your mind is what mamma has made for breakfast, or which friend are you gonna meet today? or which movie is coming on max?

And now, even before you clean you'r teeth you are glued on your laptop, texting, breaking your head over various assignments, work, where you can go and booze today? The "real" Sunday  is dying my friends, and I intent on saving it.

As far as I can remember, my perfect Sunday was going to the church in the morning(I still do...but in the evenings!), then come back and have a yummy malayali breakfast, mostly appam and chicken stew(sweet lord)! then plonking down in front of the television and watching either Mahabharat or Ramayan. then a little homework, a heavy lunch, a lil nap and the rest of the evening was nothing but absolute fun! Now THAT, was a Sunday mon amie!! Even during under grad in hostel, we would would wait for Sundays, so that we could gorge on our customary idly-vada brekky and then the lazy ritual of washing clothes...good times!

I guess, all of it is part of "growing up", you start loosing time for yourself, you don't care about breakfast, its work all the way!! its completely natural to be worried about what is pending. What a load of  ****!! We are to blame, come on! Are you saying that you don't have the time to have a good time? Listen to yourself! Sunday is our one chance to sit back and actually give our nerves a break! And that too goes down either killing time or having a nervous breakdown thinking about the impending doom of Monday!!

God Almighty made Sunday with a purpose, after all, he created the whole world in 6 days and that was a lot of heavy duty, he needed some time to breathe, so voila, Sunday!! don't you think we need a day, okay, at least half a day, to ourselves? I don't know, but it seems like most of us have forgotten ways to unwind ourselves. Hold your horses, whining on Facebook and cell phone usage does not count! I am talking abut, going for a long walk, cooking, baking, singing, playing something, trying out something new, meeting pals,  chalo yaar even blogging to some extent!

Do you remember you'r Sundays when you were younger, sure there was not so much work to do, but still, at least it dint pop in your brain all the time. When was the last time you read your Sunday horoscope on your bed with a mug of coffee, and actually reacted to what you read? We deserve it, and we need it! Even though I am in bed with a muscle pull, I had a  pretty good start today. A nice cheese omelet, newspaper and blogging. I know that by around 6pm my panic button will do the conga, but till then I am going to have a real Sunday!

And so should you! Don't let the worldly moochers and their bag of misery steal your Sunday away from you my friends, this is our day...go for it :) !!!

peace! :)

GIRL or a WOMAN?.......................................... I hate that phase when you either choose or are forced to choose what you are.

When does a girl become a woman?

when she fits into her true skin? 

when she proudly says that she has a bust-line? or,

when she starts to think?

When I say I am a woman, I can be either 15 or 35.

But has my age got anything to do with it?

people say, "you are such a kid, when will you grow up"?

but in my head there are thoughts which no mere kid can think.

How would it be if I never wanted to be a woman?

Never mature.

Never talk sense all the time.

Never bother to have my hair in place.

Tch...it seems more like a compulsion to me,

becoming a woman is not easy...I know.

but leaving behind the girl is equally tough man!

I can't become something I don't want to...

do I have a choice?

How would you define a woman eh?

by her words, style, ways...

so wish there was am amalgamation, a perfect blend of a girl and a woman,

I so wish there was.

Right now I feel like poor Frost baby himself, two roads and all ye know?

Even though I am on the onset of womanhood,

I don't have the remotest clue who she is.

I don't want the change to happen, but I can feel it rooting in my brain.

My maniacal laughter has been turned into a mellow smile.

My hysterics and antics are dying.

I am turning into something I never wanted to, but always knew i had to.

My womanly facade is blossoming.

But in the end, it all seems inevitable,

so why the heck am I complaining?

I'll give this phase a shot, after all what have I got to loose?.......

except myself..............

peace!

When you want to fall in love.......and when you want to jump off a building for having thought that!

What do I say now? Its slightly embarrassing yet I feel proud about it...also,it  is something that scares the lights out of me, but I am also at peace when I think about it. 

L-O-V-E!!! 

This 4 letter word has been gnawing my frigging insides since I turned 18(is that too late?...whatever!)

I have never fallen in love, but been surrounded all my life by people who are madly in it, including my folks!! They had a Bollywood drama of their own!  Have lived in  hostels where as the clock strikes 12, cellphones play cupid and girls jabber in sweetened voices to their romeos as their bodies do weird warm up exercises! I have even had the pleasure of fracturing my brain and bringing together two smitten souls! Yes...been there, done that! But when I close my eyes and put myself in the fray of all these things, bile comes in my mouth, I cant breathe, spots swim before my eyes, I get discombobulated ........I have considered treatment you know? Many of my dear friends have suggested I do so...anyway.

The most brilliant thing is that I am a die hard romantic, I AM!!! I AM! I AM! I am addicted to love novels(not mills and boon crap..pls!), my playlist mostly comprises of odes to the heart, and daydreaming...oh don't start on that...baby! I can daydream as I am speaking to you and you wont even figure it out!! That's how proficient I am! and I keep crushing all the time, like alll the time! And they are not your whimsy washy ones, but strong , intense, obsessive, I-will-stalk-you-till-you-die types. but then again, none of them last for more than 30 days, tops. One was just for 6 hours(don't ask!). I just got out of one yesterday, this cute, guitar wielding MBA guy, beautiful specimen, but...the usual happened. Shame. He was gooood.

See? don't I have the perfect symptoms of being a starry eyes, love struck female? Even I don't know how to figure this one out. I have considered many theories:

1. I am a lesbian.( don't know how can that happen since i crush on the male specie...)

2. I hate men. ( hmm... haven't killed anyone yet.)

3. Men hate me.( quite possible.)

4. And finally...shit!...I hope this is not true...I cant commit.

Sigh! I know what you'r thinking......"Marina Paulose has lost her marbles." I haven't guys.

The scariest part is that I can convince myself that I am not in love, and that I don't need a certain someone, at least my mind can decide that for me. The wall around me is my own, and I am afraid that its only me who can tear it down. In the end it is up to me, that is, if I want to be with someone...and I know that I will never be ready for that. Once, in 10th grade, I came very close to falling for a guy, but by some miracle of nature I ended up hating him the most in the world...still do!! So what's a girl to do when stuff like this keeps happening to her?

I have seen hardcore, no-love-for-me, anti love sworn people happily drowning in love's sweet swamp. Everyone tells me, " love happens da, you wont even know." I don't think so. I think that you are very much aware of each and every sensation when you see 'him', you don't know that instant if you are going to be together, but the immediate confusion is proof enough. Apparently you lose control, at least over your mind, well...that is something that can never to me, for all my craziness that is worth, I have disciplined my mind at least in that aspect.

I can go on forever about this. But all I can pray for in the end is that, I fall in love...glorious love...at least once in my life, that someone tells me to shut up, screw my walls and grab me, someone who makes me lose control of everything...but I trust him to do so,  that that person becomes my reason to breathe, that I can be a nut yet matter the most to him,  that I sing songs and write poems for him just like in movies...that I can tell some other confused person like me, "love happens da, you wont even know....."

peace!

SLAP!!! a 'lil poem about my recent mortifying experience!!

He was sitting on a ladies seat and smiling at me!!
Of all the nerve! why wasn't someone saying something?
even the conductor...ass.

As usual, my immediate reflex was, "oh yea? meet your maker!"
of course. my mind always aims for things like that you know...
karate chop in the shins n the works!

The young girl with a rose in her oiled hair was glaring at him reproachfully....
to no avail.
His smile was still on.
I was 7 stops away, and I badly wanted to sit.

What a conflict man!! God! I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't.
I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey my morals,
and my ...my face was a sight to behold.
Constipated.

But what struck me that moment was my weakness,
how shallow my so called bravado is..
.i'm letting some jerk get the better of
ME?

This. Was. It.

My mind was made.
I would go to him, tell him to get up,
if he'd give a retort...I'd give 2.
If he hit me, I'd hit him back.
Whatever it would take for me to get that seat.

As I took a step forward,
the girl next to me walked up to him, said something...
I waited for the explosion...it never came.
He got up quietlyvand clung to the pole.

She sat on the seat, and smiled at me calmly.
SLAP! on my face.
And I was back to square one.

sigh...I stood all the way till my stop.


peace!

JANNA-GOOS!!!

2 crazy words... that's all it takes for 3 sensible girls to turn into a bunch of hyenas!!! laughter!! oh how i love to laugh! especially with my friends, i have discovered that even the most lamest and saddest of jokes and quips have the potential to turn into a laughter time bomb!

"janna-goos" is nothing but "ganna-juice" said reversed! i know...i know... don't make that face!!! but the laughing that followed is proof to my point that it is the best way to be happy and stay happy! no rhyme or reason...just well timed, infectious, maniacal laughing! oh! it also has perks of its own. one of my dear friends..um..lets change her name... Elena, has this boisterous laugh, and this guy whom she was trying to eye for quite some time actually saw her for the first time laughing herself hoarse....even though she was fallign all over the place....that sight of her was a magnet to him...and the rest is history!!!!

i laughed all the way home today in the train with my friends.....oh Jesus!!! what a riot!! tears were streaming down our cheeks. the women around were looking at us as if we have lost our screws somewhere, but oh! it was so much fun! and i am grinning till now!

laughing fills me up! come what may, a bad grade, small fight, whatever, ther is nothinf in this world that a good bout of laughter cant fix!
so laugh u guys!!!! i know many of you who try to hide it or cover it! WHY??????laugh out loud!! literally! pleeeeeease dont cover you mouths and giggle, shriek, howl...anything! when you are done..and lie exhausted clutching your tummy....it feels amazing!!!

peace!