I HATE FIGHTS!!! It brings out the worst in me!! :(

For a moment when you win the argument, the exhilaration is fantastic! It feels as if you have won a war. watching the other person frown in defeat or either hang their head and walk away is the best feeling! But what after that? When you are done gloating and laughing about it? when you are in you bed at night, and the sad face of your friends comes in you mind? how does it feel then?

I feel horrible! Like my insides are on fire, the tears that come to my own eyes are proof of the incredible guilt I feel and I just have to rush to that person and let them abuse me till they are content! Is that a stupid thing? I don't know how do I do it? But when those words come rushing out, I have the ability to hurt and strike the nail right on the head......which is terrible! Nowadays when I am angry I just go...blank! Nothing comes in my mind...instead of coherence my mind is cluttered with various feelings!!

When anger comes rushing in, how is one to stop it? I am much better now! At least I can smile and let it bounce of when people say things to me, or either mock me when they think i don't get it! But there are moments when there are words on the tip of my tongue....and just a nudge is enough for me to explode. I dread that vile feeling.

Anger is a bad thing.............I had to manage it once, it turns people into a monster, their own monster, a side that they try so hard to cover up! This anger then leads to small and petty fights, which then grows into something bigger and then gets infested and begins to decay...........leaving it ugly!! I hate it!

I was just remembering an equally ugly fight I had a few years ago with a friend. How I was quivering with anger listening to her accusations, and there were so many things in my mind that I wanted to tell her..but I didn't....I just kept it buried deep within me that one day, out of nowhere, I just exploded......God!!! It was awful!! Watching her eyes tear up.........it was horrible! I could not think straight for the next week. It never mended.........our ego's were blocking the way.

So guys.....I obviously cant ask you not to fight.....but....at least we can try to reduce the venom....and the most important thing, come back...come back after the fight is done and over, because it does not matter how long and hard you fight, but how fast can you forgive and be together and happy again.

I have tried......and in the process let people walk over me at times, but I don't mind.....as long as that horrible bubbling guilt stays away from me!

peace!!