When you want to fall in love.......and when you want to jump off a building for having thought that!

What do I say now? Its slightly embarrassing yet I feel proud about it...also,it  is something that scares the lights out of me, but I am also at peace when I think about it. 

L-O-V-E!!! 

This 4 letter word has been gnawing my frigging insides since I turned 18(is that too late?...whatever!)

I have never fallen in love, but been surrounded all my life by people who are madly in it, including my folks!! They had a Bollywood drama of their own!  Have lived in  hostels where as the clock strikes 12, cellphones play cupid and girls jabber in sweetened voices to their romeos as their bodies do weird warm up exercises! I have even had the pleasure of fracturing my brain and bringing together two smitten souls! Yes...been there, done that! But when I close my eyes and put myself in the fray of all these things, bile comes in my mouth, I cant breathe, spots swim before my eyes, I get discombobulated ........I have considered treatment you know? Many of my dear friends have suggested I do so...anyway.

The most brilliant thing is that I am a die hard romantic, I AM!!! I AM! I AM! I am addicted to love novels(not mills and boon crap..pls!), my playlist mostly comprises of odes to the heart, and daydreaming...oh don't start on that...baby! I can daydream as I am speaking to you and you wont even figure it out!! That's how proficient I am! and I keep crushing all the time, like alll the time! And they are not your whimsy washy ones, but strong , intense, obsessive, I-will-stalk-you-till-you-die types. but then again, none of them last for more than 30 days, tops. One was just for 6 hours(don't ask!). I just got out of one yesterday, this cute, guitar wielding MBA guy, beautiful specimen, but...the usual happened. Shame. He was gooood.

See? don't I have the perfect symptoms of being a starry eyes, love struck female? Even I don't know how to figure this one out. I have considered many theories:

1. I am a lesbian.( don't know how can that happen since i crush on the male specie...)

2. I hate men. ( hmm... haven't killed anyone yet.)

3. Men hate me.( quite possible.)

4. And finally...shit!...I hope this is not true...I cant commit.

Sigh! I know what you'r thinking......"Marina Paulose has lost her marbles." I haven't guys.

The scariest part is that I can convince myself that I am not in love, and that I don't need a certain someone, at least my mind can decide that for me. The wall around me is my own, and I am afraid that its only me who can tear it down. In the end it is up to me, that is, if I want to be with someone...and I know that I will never be ready for that. Once, in 10th grade, I came very close to falling for a guy, but by some miracle of nature I ended up hating him the most in the world...still do!! So what's a girl to do when stuff like this keeps happening to her?

I have seen hardcore, no-love-for-me, anti love sworn people happily drowning in love's sweet swamp. Everyone tells me, " love happens da, you wont even know." I don't think so. I think that you are very much aware of each and every sensation when you see 'him', you don't know that instant if you are going to be together, but the immediate confusion is proof enough. Apparently you lose control, at least over your mind, well...that is something that can never to me, for all my craziness that is worth, I have disciplined my mind at least in that aspect.

I can go on forever about this. But all I can pray for in the end is that, I fall in love...glorious love...at least once in my life, that someone tells me to shut up, screw my walls and grab me, someone who makes me lose control of everything...but I trust him to do so,  that that person becomes my reason to breathe, that I can be a nut yet matter the most to him,  that I sing songs and write poems for him just like in movies...that I can tell some other confused person like me, "love happens da, you wont even know....."

peace!